Life is hard.  It is beyond difficult. We are born, make a million mistakes and then die.  Ok, maybe its not quite that bad.  but , it sucks.  life sucks.  
since my last post in 2022, my mother has died, my father has died and my son has died.  yep.. truth.  in less than 18 months the world that i was so used to and comfortable in turned upside down.  in the process, my marriage fell apart.  All the while God kept sending me things to do and extended my purpose when all i really wanted to do is die. DIE! 
have you ever wanted to die? I thought losing my mom to cancer was the ultimate pain.  Then my dad died in my house just 3 short months after.  losing them both in such a short timespan was devastating.  I quit my job as a non-profit director for a few months... I was so very depressed.  once I got through the "1 year anniversary"  (I hate calling it that... What other name do you call it?)  After a year I took a deep breath and felt like I could finally take a step forward in my life.  I had grieved and cried until there was nothing left.  it was time to move ahead.  The very next month... about 6 weeks later... my son was killed in an accident on his motorcycle.  The pain I felt with losing my mom and dad literally multiplied into such an absolute grief that I wanted to die.  literally die.  Please God take me home.  The pain was unbearable although I obviously bared it.... it felt like a heaviness that I had never felt before in my life.  A literal pain in my chest that would not go away.  Couldn't catch my breath it seemed, yet each breath hurt.  physically hurt!  a weight was on my chest and would not remove itself.  it just stayed there like an elephant sitting on my chest. my brain didn't work correctly anymore.  my thoughts were constantly surrounded by a thick fog. I walked around in it... not knowing where to turn or what to do.  I still do..  most people don't understand.  unfortunately , the only people that can look me in the eyes without a word and completely know what I'm talking about are those who have lost a child.    It's a group I never wanted to be in... never thought I would be in.  never...….
Yet, here I am.  The fact is, it's' been one year.  yes I've made it to the one year mark of my son's accident.  Much has changed in my life.  Actually , its a different life know.  There was the one with Beau and the one without him.  I am now in the one without him.  I don't like this life.  But I'm stuck here.  God is not choosing to take me out.  not yet.  So I must make the best of it.  That's just it.  "I must make the best of it". Do I?  or could  I choose to just wallow in my sorrow and live with the heavy weight constantly sitting on my chest.  I could be angry at everything and everyone.  
I choose to survive.  not only survive but live in peace and find JOY wherever I can.  Finding joy in this world is not an easy thing to do. You would think it would be, but there are so many barriers to true joy.  And if there is no barrier there, someone will find one to put there. its like the people in the world don't like to see others feeling joy.  SHUT IT DOWN! Being kind and forgiving is now seen as "letting people walk all over you".  Turning a cheek is now "being taken advantage of".  God help me to continue living in this world … this angry world.  God help me see the best in not only myself, but in every single person around me.  Help me see others as you see them.  Help me discern their past hurts and future fears.  Help me know what their spirit needs to function that day.  Help me be kind without worry that they may "get the upper hand".  Help me be what you would have me be... not what others think I should be.  Help me love....forgive... and understand.  Help me Jesus.  Help me survive this life.  

Wow!  Another year gone since my last blog.  I really stink at this!  So much going on everywhere I turn.  Since my last blog our family has been on a roller coaster ride of health issues, we've all had Covid at least once, all three of my adult children are living at home, God's Promises has gone from appointments only, to open three days a week and gas is over $4 a gallon.  It feels like we as a country are on the brink of war, either internationally or right here at home as divisiveness is common place.  In my 50 years on this earth I have never felt so "ready" for Jesus to come back.  People have said "these are end times" year after year, and they may say it again in 50 more years.  What I know is there is an urgency in my spirit to follow God on the path He has laid out for me and NOT veer from it. So many uncertainties in the world these days.  But one thing I know to be TRUTH...Jesus is Lord!  He was Lord during the Creation of our world, He is Lord as we humans tend to destroy our world, and He will be Lord at the end of our world.  Stay Strong!  Be Courageous!  And Trust God!