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My prayer

5/21/2025

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Life is hard.  It is beyond difficult. We are born, make a million mistakes and then die.  Ok, maybe its not quite that bad.  but , it sucks.  life sucks.  
since my last post in 2022, my mother has died, my father has died and my son has died.  yep.. truth.  in less than 18 months the world that i was so used to and comfortable in turned upside down.  in the process, my marriage fell apart.  All the while God kept sending me things to do and extended my purpose when all i really wanted to do is die. DIE! 
have you ever wanted to die? I thought losing my mom to cancer was the ultimate pain.  Then my dad died in my house just 3 short months after.  losing them both in such a short timespan was devastating.  I quit my job as a non-profit director for a few months... I was so very depressed.  once I got through the "1 year anniversary"  (I hate calling it that... What other name do you call it?)  After a year I took a deep breath and felt like I could finally take a step forward in my life.  I had grieved and cried until there was nothing left.  it was time to move ahead.  The very next month... about 6 weeks later... my son was killed in an accident on his motorcycle.  The pain I felt with losing my mom and dad literally multiplied into such an absolute grief that I wanted to die.  literally die.  Please God take me home.  The pain was unbearable although I obviously bared it.... it felt like a heaviness that I had never felt before in my life.  A literal pain in my chest that would not go away.  Couldn't catch my breath it seemed, yet each breath hurt.  physically hurt!  a weight was on my chest and would not remove itself.  it just stayed there like an elephant sitting on my chest. my brain didn't work correctly anymore.  my thoughts were constantly surrounded by a thick fog. I walked around in it... not knowing where to turn or what to do.  I still do..  most people don't understand.  unfortunately , the only people that can look me in the eyes without a word and completely know what I'm talking about are those who have lost a child.    It's a group I never wanted to be in... never thought I would be in.  never...….
Yet, here I am.  The fact is, it's' been one year.  yes I've made it to the one year mark of my son's accident.  Much has changed in my life.  Actually , its a different life know.  There was the one with Beau and the one without him.  I am now in the one without him.  I don't like this life.  But I'm stuck here.  God is not choosing to take me out.  not yet.  So I must make the best of it.  That's just it.  "I must make the best of it". Do I?  or could  I choose to just wallow in my sorrow and live with the heavy weight constantly sitting on my chest.  I could be angry at everything and everyone.  
I choose to survive.  not only survive but live in peace and find JOY wherever I can.  Finding joy in this world is not an easy thing to do. You would think it would be, but there are so many barriers to true joy.  And if there is no barrier there, someone will find one to put there. its like the people in the world don't like to see others feeling joy.  SHUT IT DOWN! Being kind and forgiving is now seen as "letting people walk all over you".  Turning a cheek is now "being taken advantage of".  God help me to continue living in this world … this angry world.  God help me see the best in not only myself, but in every single person around me.  Help me see others as you see them.  Help me discern their past hurts and future fears.  Help me know what their spirit needs to function that day.  Help me be kind without worry that they may "get the upper hand".  Help me be what you would have me be... not what others think I should be.  Help me love....forgive... and understand.  Help me Jesus.  Help me survive this life.  
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Seasons....in life

9/24/2022

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Seasons throughout the year are so very similar to our seasons in life. At this very moment it is 71 degrees out and the sun is shining. However, just four days ago it was a soupy 95 degrees and yesterday it got down into the 50's. This is life in Kentucky! Love it or hate it... it is what it is. We have to adjust. Going away for a week means packing a swimsuit as well as a light jacket. Switching out summer clothing for winter clothing does not occur over a weekend, but lasts for a few weeks as both are needed intermittently. I'm finding that life is much the same.
The seasons of life can be confusing, frustrating and nearly unbearable at times. Yet, Psalm 48:14 says, "For such is God, Our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death." Seasons of life may end in death. God does not promise us to live until Jesus returns. He promises to be with us and guide us until our last breath here on Earth.
I don't particularly like that to be honest. I'd rather see each person I love, and the world as a whole, to be filled with the Spirit and watch miracles happen every day.
John 13:7 says, "Jesus answered and said unto him, What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hearafter." Jesus said this only hours before he was put to death. His followers did NOT understand what He meant at that moment. They were confused and probably a little frustrated with the ambiguity of the situation. However, only three days later did realization hit them as to what Christ had been telling them, that He was the Savior of the World.
Sometimes... most times... we do not get the answers that we are seeking. Sometimes, we go through hardships while praying "God make it stop!" We don't see the spiritual battles that are being waged in the heavens. If we could, we would most likely be terrified at the lengths Satan goes to destroy us and take our souls to Hell.
BUT GOD!!!! If we have accepted Christ as our Savior, He will not let us down. Things may not go as we planned or even wanted, but God is in control and will answer our questions once we meet him in Heaven. We only see what WE SEE in each season. We only hear what WE HEAR in each season. We only know what WE KNOW in each season. Jesus sees all, hears all and knows all, in ALL of our seasons. I put my trust and faith in Him to do what is best according to His Will. Tears may flow here on Earth during seasons of trials and tribulations. But I stand firm on God's Word that I'll finally understand in the hereafter. Till then.....


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One Blog a Year... Look at me Go!!!!  :)

5/26/2022

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Wow!  Another year gone since my last blog.  I really stink at this!  So much going on everywhere I turn.  Since my last blog our family has been on a roller coaster ride of health issues, we've all had Covid at least once, all three of my adult children are living at home, God's Promises has gone from appointments only, to open three days a week and gas is over $4 a gallon.  It feels like we as a country are on the brink of war, either internationally or right here at home as divisiveness is common place.  In my 50 years on this earth I have never felt so "ready" for Jesus to come back.  People have said "these are end times" year after year, and they may say it again in 50 more years.  What I know is there is an urgency in my spirit to follow God on the path He has laid out for me and NOT veer from it. So many uncertainties in the world these days.  But one thing I know to be TRUTH...Jesus is Lord!  He was Lord during the Creation of our world, He is Lord as we humans tend to destroy our world, and He will be Lord at the end of our world.  Stay Strong!  Be Courageous!  And Trust God!  

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What is normal anymore?

4/17/2021

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Well, blogging doesn't seem to be my calling.  LOL.  I started out in January 2020 and now here it is April 2021.  Hmmm....To be honest, as most of you know not long after my very first blog life changed drastically for the entire world.  Here it is a year later and still so much is not back to "normal" whatever that is anymore.  God's Promises Ministry went from being open four hours each day of the week with anywhere between 2-10 people showing up each day with different needs.  Now we are open by appointment only, and my volunteers are running the show while I am staying with my family who became suddenly ill two months ago.  As I sit here writing... so much has happened in the last year... to the world... to my country... to my personal family.  I don't think anyone I know has been "untouched" with some sort of pain in the last year, whether it be physical or emotional.  My family is dealing with both... as I'm sure many of yours are.  In times like these it is difficult to understand the "why's" of God.  Why is this happening?  Why has there not been an answer?  Why are we going through this?  Why... why.... why?  I don't have the answers, but I know that no matter what questions I may ask through all the turmoil that surrounds me these day, I WILL stay strong in my belief in Jesus Christ as my Savior. Though I may waver in my human mind, my spirit cannot imagine a day without Christ.  Life is difficult enough without doing it alone.  And when you have Jesus as your savior, you are not alone. Just felt like I needed to say that for anyone who might read this. God bless. 
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Daring to Blog...

1/31/2020

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My name is Michelle.  I will be 48 years old in February... I think... it's to the point that I have to count from 1972 to the present year to make sure of how old I am.  haha  At this point, who keeps track anymore?!!  I love to write and have spent the last four decades writing journals, small stories and children's books... only I haven't the bravery to do anything with them.  They are tucked away in the attics, basements and storage units.  I have always been intrigued with blogging.  However, fearful to do that as well because it is public.  YIKES!  Do I really want people to see the REAL me?  Hardly, but the older I get the more reclusive and socially anxious I get.  Not sure why.  Maybe I was TOO social for the first 40 years of my life... I'm worn out.  Worn out... that describes me better than more phrases I can sit here and think of.  I'm worn out.  Tired of trying so hard to be and do and go.  My favorite time of the day is first thing in the morning when I have two or more cups of coffee while reading my Bible and sitting in my quiet living room before everyone awakes. This is the time that I am REAL.  Thanking God for my many blessings, but honestly... mostly asking what to do and why things are going the way they are.  It's been a tough road.  One that I will probably divulge in bits and pieces with this blog if I don't chicken out.  Not asking for responses.  This is actually mostly for me.  I think better when writing... or taking a shower.  haha  But I know there are women out there that put on a smile everyday and say "fine" and "good" when asked how things are... when in reality you'd really like to just stay in bed with your warm blanket snuggly around you and not have to deal with LIFE or PEOPLE or DISAPPOINTMENT.  Is this a blog about depression?  No, although that is something I quietly deal with.  Is it about being a wife and mother?  Not completely, although having both of those identities obviously come into play.  This blog is about all those things as well as coffee, cats, dogs, kids, teens, rebellion, addiction, rehab, illness, loss, hope... pretty much everything that pops into my head or heart that needs to come out my fingers.  It's about being REAL in a world that has learned to FILTER everything to make it seem better, richer, prettier, smarter.....perfect.  This blog is simply ...... well..... we'll see.....
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    Author

    Mom of three for 26 years.  Wife of  years.  Loves reading the Bible while drinking coffee.  Owns a small community resource center.  Lives in the country.  Dreams of visiting Israel someday.  Dares to start a blog.  haha

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